Sorry, not Sorry

I think I should just type it in here before I get distracted and the things I wanted to vent just disappear along with the intent to vent. 

Just now, I overheard some colleagues talking about the colleague I was wondering where she'd gone. (I'll call her Ms Pretty) Apparently, she had gone to get a checkup because she isn't feeling too great, and the worrying thing is that she has chest pain. 

Earlier, another colleague told me that Ms Pretty is very stressed. She seemed concerned. However, I am not concerned. For me, it has come to a point where if you are stressed, you should speak up or ask for help and be willing to take advice. 

I get mad now because when I am stressed and was thinking of jumping off of the building, I try to hold it all together. I did not go and blabber things to Mr. Powerful and Sarcastic to cause him to form a biased view of others and I did not push all work to others. The only time I avoided and did not join in was when I got overwhelmed last year regarding the making of an exam paper where they were pointing knives at me and throwing daggers at me when they are in the same boat and they did not help but send me to be eaten up by wolves while painting an ugly picture of me to the authorities. Other than that, I did not push work away. 

This is different. Ms Pretty can waltz into Mr. Powerful and Sarcastic's office to show a very weak and pitiful face, claiming she is overworked and too tired, and now she only has two classes to teach; she was put as the leader of the media team when others, like me and another colleague, were asked to pioneer the bulletin. Besides that, the many times she f** up, Mr Powerful and Sarcastic would just brush it aside while he dove into the haystack to find every little needle about me to bring hail into my life. 

So, I am sorry but not sorry; I cannot be bothered. She posted about being all dolled up and pretty as a bridesmaid during the past two days. She was occupied. For me, you should have managed yourself and took care of yourself. 

It's not like I hate her. No. I encouraged her to move on when she was giving up and panicking for her CICTL. She managed to finish it. I just don't see how I can help by being worried or being stressed up. It's also not that I am heartless. But, where were the people when I felt that I was at the bottom? Would anyone dared to step up and speak for me? I would do that for others but these people won't. And now I do not see any reason she should be stressed as her workload is already minimised and there isn't much that she is actually handling. Plus she won't get into trouble for anything. So, what's there to stress about? 

Hello darkness my old friend

I tried to close my eyes, I closed them but what came is streams of tears that doesn't stop. All the emotions that didn't get to be processed during the day just comes flooding like a dam that got broken and wouldn't stop. 

I tried forgiving. But the words did not seem to describe what actually was the case. 

It has been a while since I felt like this. 

I'd hope that if I close my eyes, sleep can wash over me and this gets washed away or like I thought it had been, forgotten and moved on during the day. 

But I am wrong. It's still there. 

It's 2.30am plus. I should sleep. But I've come to know well what insomnia feels like - tired and wanting to sleep, but falling asleep is like a switch that turns the state of consciousness off, and moving to the other side into unconsciousness where the mind goes into rest and all the things held on during the day is let go. But insomnia is when that uncontrollable switch just wouldn't flip no matter how tired one feels and you just stay there, hoping that somehow that switch will finally turn off and you finally get to enter into a state of rest and you can recuperate from the day. 

It's impossible if the eyes are closed and the damage breaks. 

I'd been anxious about this new semester. I never expected to encounter this. It came like a big smack in the head and the ugliness of life gave such a rude awakening of how bloody ruthless some can get. That the kindness are just fake politeness that hides words and intentions of another sort. 

I hate this. I hate it. 

 My dear, see what hurts you and don't repeat them. When you see them operating in shame and humiliation, don't shame and humiliate. When you see them screaming at others, screaming at you, know how it feels and don't do the same. For I am allowing you to go through that fire and allow that fire to refine you and not to burn you down. For I am not bringing you more than what you can bear. You are My child, and you align firstly with Me. You worship ME and you don't worship them. So, no matter what they do, it is their own doing and they are accountable to Me. Come to Me, let me bind up your wounds. Don't let your heart fester in bitterness. But let those experiences turn into pearls, silver and gold. Remember, you are MINE, you are MINE, you are MINE. They cannot touch you. You decide whether those fire will be able to burn you or not or whether they are going to burn the dirt and rough edges. Remember, you are MINE. 

Grateful! :D

Currently I'm taking long distance learning, doing my masters. I think there are still people who thinks that it isn't true. But it is. ;) 

Many things that I am grateful for! 

Firstly is that although the second half of 2017 was quite chaotic, by God's grace I still achieved a 3.75 CGPA for my first semester of my Masters' programme!

Secondly is what I am experiencing now. I am grateful for the hard and difficult things that I went through in my past. God is good. In the hardest of places, a flower can bloom, heck, a tree can grow! Hahahha... I was searching for books in my library online and also searching for the work that I did during my degree years and boy am I grateful for such difficult time I had then! Why? Because I remembered some of the things I learnt from back them which I believe would make things easier for my masters studies right now! It was VERY difficult back then because I had group mates which were always absent and I explored and searched and learnt everything myself, poring through research books upon books and then get some guidance by the tutor. I remember those days really well because it was really hard. There were nights I was in my room alone with seven thick books opened and laid out all over the table, the bed and on my lap to refer to them while I did my academic write-up. 

Thirdly, I am grateful that I AM EXCITED!!!!! I am no longer dreading doing research and I am so excited that I feel like flying over to KL to hide in the library if there is opportunity! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Getting quite high now sitting in my office. xD I would probably be leaping about squealing if I am alone at home. Hahaha

God has been VERY GOOD. He has been speaking tenderly, teaching me, guiding me, convicting me and leading me in so many things. And so much grace in all that He is leading me to do! 

So, very grateful ;) God, you are so, so good. *gan dong*

Thankful for 2017

I thank God for 2017. Words cannot express how much I am thankful to God. 2017 has been quite an adventure where there were the lowest of lows and much pain but in the midst of it all there were gems of discovery of true friends, so much love from God Himself and from so much precious people that He has placed in my life. I have never felt so happy, so blessed and so very thankful to God.

I have witnessed God's hand move for me, for people that He love and I love. I have witnessed answered prayers that were so tangible that it leaves me dumbfounded so many times. I felt so much love, so much of God's heart that my heart almost felt like it is going to burst at the seams but He still tell me that He made my heart able to be extended so much more because of Him.

I have experienced crying out in desperation to God and then witnessing God moving personally in such a magnificent way more than once this year. I have experienced His provision, so much grace, so much redemption.

I saw Him fulfilling all that He promised me, putting things in place for me. And He sent so many people to bless me in ways beyond my expectation.

And for all that He has done, I am truly grateful to God and I cannot help but sing praises to Him. To more adventures with You, God!