Hello darkness my old friend

I tried to close my eyes, I closed them but what came is streams of tears that doesn't stop. All the emotions that didn't get to be processed during the day just comes flooding like a dam that got broken and wouldn't stop. 

I tried forgiving. But the words did not seem to describe what actually was the case. 

It has been a while since I felt like this. 

I'd hope that if I close my eyes, sleep can wash over me and this gets washed away or like I thought it had been, forgotten and moved on during the day. 

But I am wrong. It's still there. 

It's 2.30am plus. I should sleep. But I've come to know well what insomnia feels like - tired and wanting to sleep, but falling asleep is like a switch that turns the state of consciousness off, and moving to the other side into unconsciousness where the mind goes into rest and all the things held on during the day is let go. But insomnia is when that uncontrollable switch just wouldn't flip no matter how tired one feels and you just stay there, hoping that somehow that switch will finally turn off and you finally get to enter into a state of rest and you can recuperate from the day. 

It's impossible if the eyes are closed and the damage breaks. 

I'd been anxious about this new semester. I never expected to encounter this. It came like a big smack in the head and the ugliness of life gave such a rude awakening of how bloody ruthless some can get. That the kindness are just fake politeness that hides words and intentions of another sort. 

I hate this. I hate it.