In short breaths, I ran down the street trying to remember the way to his place. Cars were passing, the cold wind blowing against my face as I ran past the beautiful bloom of spring along the pavements.
Going up and down lanes, somehow I found my way to his home. I walked up the pavement and stood at his door. Before I could press the bell, the door opened and wide smiles and happy chatters in Korean greeted me and I was bustled into the house. Before I knew it, I was dressed in traditional Korean attires as well as all of his relatives and seated beside him in the main sitting hall of his huge home. My family and relatives were there too.
I was breathing hard. Thoughts race through my mind so fast that I felt a little dizzy. We were engaged and it wasn't real. I don't know why we were posing as an engaged couple. And now we are getting married already. I thought it wasn't real. But it is happening right now, right in front of my eyes.
I nearly panicked. What am I doing? Do I love that man? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with that man? How much do I know him? How long have I known him?
He's not bad. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him. He has a job, he works hard, he doesn't look bad and he has good income, not bad a character. And most of all, I do love him.
I look at him. He's smiling and talking to his relatives while sitting next to me. He looked so happy. My heart strings are tugged. He then turned and looked at me and smiled. His eyes shone with happiness. His hand came to hold mine, giving it a squeeze. I smiled and squeezed his back. For a moment, my heart went still and warmed.
But then a small voice reminded me, he is not a Christian. I imagined the life ahead if I am to be married to him. I'll just be this housewife taking care of him, building a family with him. Perhaps I can bring him to church and work at bringing him to Christ. But it wasn't what I dreamed of my whole life. It wouldn't be the same. I remembered my dream. My dream is to have the ultimate adventure with God with a man that is also on my level and we adventure with God. We will not do normal little things only, we will do big exciting things for God together. We will travel and speak to nations, we will go through hardships together as we serve Him.
My heart is heavy. I need to tell him. I need to tell him before it is too late.
I gave his hand a squeeze and looked deep into his eyes. "Can I talk to you privately for a while? It is really important."
Seeing that it is something serious, he nodded and we went to the kitchen away from the crowd.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked once we are alone.
"I need to tell you something... I know we are getting married today and everyone is here already but if I don't do this, I will regret it for the rest of my life and I don't want to jeopardize yours too. I love you, you know I truly do and I know you love me to. You will make a great husband, a really great one and the girl you marry will be very, very blessed and happy. And it breaks my heart to tell you that I can't marry you."
My voice started to break and tears came to my eyes as I tried to continue. I looked down. I can't look into his eyes anymore. If I do, I'm scared that I might change my mind. But I am very sure, I can't marry him and I need to make that stand although it is really hard. He loved me so much.
"Why?" he barely breathed the question.
"Be.. because... you're not a Christian. Someday, this fact will catch up on our marriage if we get married and I don't want that to happen. You will find another girl who's not as complicated as me and you will be happy. I can't guarantee that I will be happy for long if we don't marry with God's approval. "
"I love you. And I respect you. I respect your decision and I understand. We will call off the wedding. I will deal with everything. Don't worry." and with that, he gave me one last long hug and left me to face the crowd, bringing the news to all the relatives.
And I woke up.
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