The need for fellowship

Fellowship, that's what I felt that I want until I realise that I need it VERY much. And it's not any fellowship. I need deep, meaningful, quality fellowship. Hard isn't it?

Some friends come by and provided that. Then as soon as they come, they left. Then I was looking all over for places, ways to have fellowship. None came. Yes, some friends come and go, meetings and gatherings come and go but all in all, I realise that deep need inside, that deep desire is still there. Right in the middle of some gatherings I felt even more void. It's like there's a clear answer saying "This is not what I need. This cannot satisfy. The thing I am looking for cannot be found here." Auntie Michele said to pray for friends. I did. But I realised that with people, it seemed that I can't fully be satisfied.

I borrowed a book from Auntie Anne by the title "Good Morning, Holy Spirit." on Thursday when I was there for the girls sleepover. I have been reading that today. I was home practically for the whole day today. I was resting and reading it. Then the book came to the part where the author talked about his relationships with the Holy Spirit. How he can talk to Him and have his presence around him, how he can be His friend and how they talked and him being guided by Him. It was awesome and I remembered my deep longing for that before. I'm not sure if I written in any of my previous posts about it. I used to want so much of God's manifested presence. Manifested presence is where we can really sense Him around with out senses. It's not the presence of God where He is all around. It's His manifested presence. I wanted it so much. Then people said we are to be satisfied with our current state, that some times we may long too much for things that are not of the time. Then my heart became more settled, not longing deeply for it. But later, the longing for fellowship came. And after reading the book, that part today, I realised that my longing for fellowship, for that deep, deep fellowship can only be satisfied with fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit.

Advisors have been able to felt the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit when they prayed in tongues. Uncle Sam said everyone should felt it when they pray in tongues. They have had instances where they see visions or felt the strong nudging to pray for someone suddenly. I haven't had any except for the only time during prayer vigil where I was strongly nudged to pray for Terry and he was lifted. That was only once. And I wanted so much more. It's saddening at times when hearing others being able to work and commune with the Spirit while I also can but I cannot. Sometimes it may turn bad in the way that I may start to think all the things I did are futile. Then I searched myself to see if there's anything that I haven't done or I have done wrong that caused me not to be able to do that. But I cannot find anything. There are instances where I sinned. But others sinned too but they are able to do so still. Then why can't I?

Then there are lessons that say to deliberately practice His presence, having conversations with Him throughout the day, to abide in Him. I tried. But it's like monologue while it should be a dialogue. And in the books and with others, it seemed so easy. Just ask and He comes.

Holy Spirit, I need your fellowship. I need the intimacy with You. Please do, do come and sit by me and talk to me and teach me so many things. I shall continue with the book. Please do speak to me and come.