My really big hot air balloon

Today I had my first observation. Meaning my lecturer has come and watched me teach and gave comments. It didn't went well. 

What should I expect? 

Few days ago a student ask me: Why do you want to be a teacher?

Few days ago another student ask me: Teacher, do you want to be a lecturer?

I used to have definite, confident answers to those questions but now if I am honest,

I don't know. 

I know full well that I don't thrive in these kind of conditions. Having to scream at the students, having to force them to do work, having to punish them and make them unhappy. Worst is, not being able to reach deep into them to help them. 

Programs here programs there, expectations there expectations there, cannot this cannot that, must do this must do that, due dates here due dates there, key in here key in there, go here go there, come to this come to that, attend meetings attend assemblies, shouting shouting every few minutes every lesson, every class, everyday. 

And my mom is pushing me to apply to teach in these kind of conditions after I am done. 

I felt myself pretty scarred from my previous teaching experience two years ago. This time no better. Today's observation proves what I feared happening and it is happening and I do not have much say and I don't know what I can really do. 

It's like trying to stuff a really big hot hair balloon into a tiny weeny box telling it, "You can only fly in here." 

After I am done with my practicum, I want to take a break from teaching. I don't want to be forced into something I don't like. I hate it now. I really do. I might just cut my hair real short, dye it bright red and go backpacking around the world for  one or two years. I don't know. I really don't. And it doesn't feel nice at all.