My Love.

This was written quite some time ago. I forgot when but it was in my Drafts in gmail. I don't blog via blogger nowadays with the horrid line here in uni. Can't even load the page!

 

But here it is and after the stars, my musings of today...

 

You know, sometimes I do question myself. Am I mad? Is everything just happening in my head? I am pretty clear that sometimes it's just emotions over-reacting but it doesn't mean that I am irrational.  (And it is not helping when no one is helping, pointing it out to me if I am over-reacting or "hallucinate" which makes me rather unsure and insecure)

Did some soul searching for the root of the current emotional low. I know what caused it all the while. But I think there are other factors that might cause it to be amplified. 

What triggered it is this: someone made plans with me and decided to change her mind last minute without telling me before hand. She has been doing this for many many times already. 

What made it worse is this: I am a person of my word and I take promises seriously. Once or twice, or change of plans due to unforeseen circumstances, it is forgivable and can be let go but changes of plans where the person actually can make the effort to keep it but didn't, that's the questionable one. It only makes me question who I am in their eyes, whether I am of any importance to them. Besides that, I am also a sacrificial person and as much as I can, I accommodate others to the point sometimes I sacrifice and make changes to what I am used to. But of course it is still in the realm where I can still tolerate. But when I start to see that my sacrifices all come to nothing, that the person won't even stand for me, what for am I sacrificing? Is it worth sacrificing anymore?

Why do I always come across people like this who doesn't know how to concern about others, that others are actually waiting for them? Is it to tell me to stop caring about others? I'm getting rather fed up with all that, being disappointed and all.

*****

 

And so today again that same person sorta affected me. After musing for a while and deliverately do stuff that I won't usually do: wait on her, make efforts to get involved in conversations, and so on, the silent voice speaks.

 

Why am I so affected by her? Why do I let myself to be so affected by her? Why do you want from her? You got all that you need, you just had a great day out with lovely people who loves you, why focus on those negativity and creating a want that will never get fulfilled?

 

Hold on to My love. Remember My love for you that comes from Me when you walk alone, in silent times, I am there. My love comes also from those I have placed around you who loves you, who genuinely cares for you and will go out of their way to help you, to care for you, to see if you are alright and to remind you that they love you and want you.

 

Focus on Me, My love.