Can I trust you?

is something I can't do completely right now. I still trust God but trusting men... it's hard especially when you see what they do and what they did makes you insecure. I do believe the word and the issue of trust goes much deeper than what people would understand. It involves a lot actually. It is more than trusting someone not to tell others the secret they told them. It is so much more.

Coming to a new and foreign environment, I find that I do have issues about this. There are so many kinds of people, so many kinds of cultures and behaviours. Meeting new people, getting to know them do take time. But somehow, deep within me, my soul craves for deep fellowship, deep fellowship that can only come from relationships that are secure in trust and love. I find none here currently. That's the main thing I miss from home.

I found two though, perhaps three. Three people I really feel easy to talk to and have this deep fellowship with. One of them, Judith from Evangel Christian Assembly, I haven't really been keeping in touch with her for a long time (plus now I lost her number). The other one is ErnJie and SmileyFriendlyDoc. ErnJie has been around these few days. But sometimes fellowship with her isn't that deep. But still good. As for SmileyFriendlyDoc, I don't get to meet him much. He's in K16 which is super far away. Plus I lost his contact too when I lost my phone in KK market last month.

These few people, I feel very comfortable being thoroughly myself around them. I can talk about anything around them, I can count on them, I can play with them, I can joke with them, I can do all my crazy actions around them, I can tell them anything, I can ask them about anything and I can trust that they won't feel that I am weird and that they will love me for who I am and not look at me with another eye or pity me or anything. That's what trust is about.

There are people who doesn't show any care about me, doesn't update me on things, cancel appointments suddenly with no warnings, doesn't show any interest in knowing me, doesn't pay attention when I talk, doesn't reply my messages, doesn't take time to listen to me and start assuming things... there are more. For these people, the things they do, how can you expect me to trust them?

All the inconsistency, all the little things... they do make me insecure. Is there anything wrong with me for feeling that? I feel that there's none but who knows I'm wrong and am not aware of it?

Sigh. Susah confusing times. When can this trust issue be resolved and I can trust people and truly be able to let my real self out?